He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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