she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My bed smells like the plague
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
