I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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