I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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