You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
