This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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