Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
