when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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