I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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