Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
