I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
