he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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