I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
