A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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