It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
