Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
