wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
