He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
