We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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