They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
