Define "chronic" masturbator.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize