And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
