Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
