chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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