can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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