with your own penis?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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