I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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