you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
