RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
