I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
