I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?