I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
