I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My liver just broke up with me...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
