Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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