I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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