Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
