Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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