Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
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We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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