can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
