I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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