and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
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You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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