u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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