in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
