I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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