Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
