my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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