"it" just moved
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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