dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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