I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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