I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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