Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
