Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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