I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
