1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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