Your face is a jimmy john
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize