how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
