I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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