what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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