it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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